The final episode of Dexter according to me

As you’ve probably read on the Internet or witnessed yourself, the final episode of Dexter was terrible — at best. It sort of felt like a relationship you stay in for an extra three seasons because you remember how and why you fell in love, but in the end, you find out they were cheating on you and gave you syphilis and maybe never loved you. So, anyhow, this is how I think Dexter should have ended.

Dexter learns his dark passenger is actually Al from Quantum Leap who has been guiding his killings all along. Once this truth is revealed, Dexter is able to move through time and murder killers in every decade.

Meanwhile, Hank from Breaking Bad awakens as Big Jim on Under the Dome, which it turns out IS actually a snow globe, and that’s where everyone from LOST has been this whole time.

In Miami: The miracle the doctor references happens! Deb recovers and swims to shore. She and Quinn determine Miami Metro is fucked, so they take off on a great American roadtrip. They meet a mysterious man in a diner in Nebraska who convinces them to each return to their more crooked cop ways and become private investigators at this agency he’s starting. They agree. It turns out the mysterious man is in-disguise Saul Goodman.

Meanwhile, Batista has figured out Dexter is the Bay Harbor Butcher because of all the shit left behind by LaGuerta that was hinted at early in season 8, then abandoned. His initial horror gives way to the realization that a) they’re not actually a terrible police department after all, and b) Dexter was doing everyone a favor. So, he replaces Deb and Quinn with Jason Stackhouse from True Blood and Andy Dwyer from Parks and Recreation — who are both trained to be police, but not particularly bright — and becomes the Bay Harbor Butcher himself, employing Nikki’s help as a topless forensics specialist. Also, now that Andy Dwyer is ripped, there are a lot of scenes of just him and Jason working out shirtless. Jamie helps her brother by prancing around in sexy outfits to distract Masuka and increase ratings. So, I guess you could say there’s something for everyone. Also, Angel’s ‘dark passenger’ may or may not be Burt Macklin.

Dexter travels to Mad Men to kill Don Draper, but because Draper is just a jerk and not a killer, he does not fit Dexter’s code. They decide that together, they will grow hearts and become real humans. There is a montage where they help old ladies cross the street and rescue puppies, but only Dexter emerges a changed man. Dexter decides he must leave Mad Men and return to Hannah and his son.

With Al’s help, he travels to the moment after he somehow survives the CGI hurricane and makes it to Argentina to be with Hannah forever. Al watches Dexter walk down a beach to where Hannah is watching Harrison play in the sand. When she sees him, both she and Harrison run down the beach to joyfully embrace him.

Al wipes a tear from his eye. Fade out.